everytime i go to a doctor, any kind of doctor, i find out that i have something wrong! something deficient. something abnormal. i don't remember the last time i went in for anything and had them say "you're healthy" and let me leave. i want to be a nurse to make/keep people healthy, but i can't keep/make myself healthy. and i don't know that i am doing something wrong half the time.
i have to go to a periodontist. i have to get oral skin graft surgery. i heard it's painful as shit, and looks disgusting afterwards. and it's going to cost ALOT of fucking money. money that i don't fucking have. that my family doesn't fucking have. it's going to be ugly. it's going to be me. and i can't afford it, meaning i will have to wait while saving, but waiting will make things worse regarding my problem, meaning the surgery is just going to be longer and more expensive because i will have more problems to correct....fucking catch 22. i don't want any of this anymore. this physical body has done nothing lately but store viruses and constantly make me uncomfortable.
i feel like i am walking around in a body that is a dud. if it's going to be a dud, it could have at least been a more attractive one. christ. fuck. more things to add to my list.