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so coming down [29 Apr 2002|10:48pm]
officially letting go of this username and journal....

go to "synthetikshe" if you are still interested...
1 Joan of Arc| burns

[23 Apr 2002|11:20am]
went and got my second opinion. thank god.
40-60% success rate. i decided it was worth it.

i get my final look-over on may 15th (the final GO)
total cost : 1,300
social status until june 18th : to be nonexistent. i can't spend a fucking penny. sorry kids.

date of skin graph surgery : June 18th
1 Joan of Arc| burns

[22 Apr 2002|01:26am]
fair warning ~ this journal is not going to be used anymore. i'll probably delete it when may comes, just so i don't lose anyone in the transition.
instead the username i'll use is : synthetikshe

add to your friends list kiddies. *loves*

[19 Apr 2002|07:50am]
[ mood | one/negative ]

____ for me, i say, so i can see the similairity in you > > i begged, show me it hurts > >
you break it, you buy it > > all the hurt inside was something of faith > > in bruises > > always to > > ( scratch text ) > >
it's why you cried about this > > why i died about this > > why we communicated so well about this > > are you leaving again?

why am i not in new orleans?


we = the violent [18 Apr 2002|09:39am]
*i have to learn to let you crashdown...*

i heard it's a bad thing.sadthing.uncontrollable-once-you-start-thing.
i have to learn how to finish something before i start something else.

is this worth it? remembering like this?
2 Joan of Arcs| burns

dawncoloured and again, again, again, again. [17 Apr 2002|09:32am]
[ mood | obsolete violence ]

yºu used to fit like a puzzle piece. in a bºx ºf hundreds, you//and//i cºnnected. withºut questiºn. withoutsenseofwhy other then it wªs right. and n ª t u r ª l.


right-o [15 Apr 2002|12:37pm]
i am

what sexual performer are you?
2 Joan of Arcs| burns

question of birth [12 Apr 2002|02:37pm]
nothing has changed much this week..things have happened but nothing has changed.
it's like when i used to work at the coffee place...i walk in, work a eight hour shift, and when i leave things look the same as they did when i came in. i hated that. i like to see progress, or product when i work/live through a certain amount of time. it puts worth on the time i just moved through.

i've been sick, so granted not very productive. i could spare myself a kick in the ass about lack of production for the time being.

my mother left earlier week and left a simple but direct fuck you letter.
then realize she can't make it on her own and came back the next day.
spending about $50 on my credit and not even saying thank you or sorry or i'll pay you back. nothing.

things have happened. nothing has changed.

it just dawned on my how close VNV is now... something to get excited about.
1 Joan of Arc| burns

[09 Apr 2002|08:38am]

Proving the same theme can be
echoed endlessly and still make money.
Find out How would
you die in a horror movie?


[08 Apr 2002|11:19pm]
[ mood | inevitable ]

"be prepared that the laughter you hear is not laughter. it is joy. it will come through to you as laughter because that is the only way such ecstatic sound can be physically received or perceived"


[06 Apr 2002|02:20pm]
that was anger, only directed, at myself.

[05 Apr 2002|09:24pm]
[ mood | slight trembles ]

i'm too territorial for my own good.

i feel a need to end this situation, for my sanity's sake.

sometimes i hate the fact that people in my life know each other.
A is my A. and B is my B. and C is my C. and D is my D.....and none of them need to know each other.
it's too small of a world. it's too much of a network. i want to seperate like the ones i complain about. i want to have that flight, and be free. and be me.
i'm angry at them because i envy them.
fuck. fuck this. fuck who you know.

1 Joan of Arc| burns

[02 Apr 2002|01:58pm]
[ mood | the colour of your hair ]

three have left ~ but i can only discard one. but she is nothing more. i have
co mp le te ly severed emotions now like i did physicality then. a simple blueprint of the emotional dissonance that has resembled a crumbled up piece of paper.
the other one i can't let go of because i know him to well.
the third i can't let go of because i want to get to know him better.

just stay in my life. just stay in....

i will stay quiet. i will stay still. is it something that i said? is it some way that i moved?

4 Joan of Arcs| burns

[28 Mar 2002|03:30pm]
the sea is like an old nature poet who died of a heart attack in a public latrine.
his ghost still haunts the urinals.
at night he can be heard walking around barefooted in the dark.
somebody stole his shoes.

~richard brautigan

[28 Mar 2002|06:22am]
[ mood | lashing ]

so i have an 8 hour shift in 30 minutes and have been up since 5 because she wouldn't stop yelling and slamming her bedroom door. i don't know why, all i know is that she doesn't need a reason why anymore. no one was in the room with her...just her demons i guess.
but i feel lucky that i got any amount of sleep at all.

this morning she barged in my room and screamed at me to give her cigerettes. i gave her one and she turned around and stomped out. "you're welcome!" she retorted with "no i'm not! i'm not welcome anywhere!" whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

i need to get out of here.

6 Joan of Arcs| burns

[20 Mar 2002|06:21pm]
i know you lied. i know you just switched her name around with someone else's. it was nothing really, nothing big. but i know you lied.

[20 Mar 2002|02:13pm]
[ mood | no more control of myself ]

i quit! i fucking quit!
everytime i go to a doctor, any kind of doctor, i find out that i have something wrong! something deficient. something abnormal. i don't remember the last time i went in for anything and had them say "you're healthy" and let me leave. i want to be a nurse to make/keep people healthy, but i can't keep/make myself healthy. and i don't know that i am doing something wrong half the time.

i have to go to a periodontist. i have to get oral skin graft surgery. i heard it's painful as shit, and looks disgusting afterwards. and it's going to cost ALOT of fucking money. money that i don't fucking have. that my family doesn't fucking have. it's going to be ugly. it's going to be me. and i can't afford it, meaning i will have to wait while saving, but waiting will make things worse regarding my problem, meaning the surgery is just going to be longer and more expensive because i will have more problems to correct....fucking catch 22. i don't want any of this anymore. this physical body has done nothing lately but store viruses and constantly make me uncomfortable.

i feel like i am walking around in a body that is a dud. if it's going to be a dud, it could have at least been a more attractive one. christ. fuck. more things to add to my list.

5 Joan of Arcs| burns

finals finale [19 Mar 2002|02:09pm]
[ mood | degenerative ]

alright, so i'm freaking out because i have an anatomy/physiology final on a cadaver in about an hour and 50 minutes. making me nervous enough as it is. but i just checked the mail and found a scholarship form from central dupage hospital for medial students that i really need to get help from...they asked for two letters of recommendation, one being from a healthcare teacher ~ so naturally i am going to ask my teacher, who is a doctor, who would make a recommendation (if good) even better.
i have a B in that class ~ which, standing, could get me the scholarship.
unless of course, i bomb this lab final today and lecture final tomorrow.
to much is on the line for these next two days now. my head hurts.

i'm never going to get to/through medial school...

1 Joan of Arc| burns

didn't you know it was me i crucified? [18 Mar 2002|01:17am]
[ mood | tangents fluttering. ]

communicate this to me / nonverbally
the only realm i seek is the ability to drown completely inside what you show me
the failure of this will be only a limit, i can break. again and again and again.

there has been enough diverse sources to prove to me what i like/want/need/am willing to disregard
for ...one ..more.. breath shared with you.

the density of this all seduces me to undergo the physical.
speak to me in something that understands my body language

your love is the subtitles to my silent film. fragments of something s/t/a/t/i/k.
my circuitry can rust with a tear.


[14 Mar 2002|11:45pm]
To include the above on your page, simply copy and paste the HTML below.
What Flavour   Are You? I taste like Peanut Butter.I taste like Peanut Butter.

I am one of the most
blendable flavours; I go with sweet, I go with sour, I go with bland, I go with anything. I am practical and good
company, but have something of a tendency to hang around when I'm not wanted, unaware that my presence is
not welcome. What Flavour Are You?
4 Joan of Arcs| burns

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